made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
