She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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