Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
