bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
