I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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