We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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