He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
