I got chris browned last night
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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