Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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