Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
