??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
