Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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