My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
