There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
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Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
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I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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