the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
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