The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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