sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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