Sry I called you an 8
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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