You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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