The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
a search helicopter?!
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
