people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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