I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Please don't give away my fajitas
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
