i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
