Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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