she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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