How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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