Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Randomize
