...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
