he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
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I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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