I haven't been this sober since birth.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Randomize
