I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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