you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
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I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
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I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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