If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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