I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
