I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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