Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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