I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
We named our party play list daddy issues
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
