if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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