I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
