I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.