Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.