You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
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Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
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How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.