If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
