I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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