I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
