my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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