Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
