I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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