i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
