I wanna bring you to show and tell
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
