Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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