We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I think my fart just growled at me.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
