I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
