if you like me you must not know who I am
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
