but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
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When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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