The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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