The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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