her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
