it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
ttyl tear gas
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
