Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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