how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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