the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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