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I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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