And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
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