the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
